Friendship Recession

Social distancing measures in the past few years have given birth to one more sub-category of the minimalist movement and that is social minimalism. Like it or not, we did see our families and friends a lot less during that time, and even the routine meetings with the hairdresser or dentist also changed. This new normal way of life is staying with us even now that the masks are off our faces. Are we doing back to seeing our friends as often as we did before the pandemic? Does friendship still hold the same meaning to us now?

Approaching the second half of my forties and having moved abroad (for the second time) for almost eight years now, I can say with confidence that the meaning of friendship I knew back in my school years, my teens, my years away from home, and until now has transformed quite significantly.

I have a good few people that I call friends, and in that few, there is only a handful that I can count as "good friends". I'm never a quantity person but a quality, sometimes even I get annoyed with myself and how frugal I can be with available options. What are the upsides of having no friends around at this age? It leaves me with more energy and time to focus on my interests and goals. And for the no-brainer answer? It's cheaper not having to socialize.

The meaning of friendship for me now is based on trust, respect, treating each other with good intentions, and maintaining a kind attitude toward each other. I feel like if these criteria are met, then it makes the most sense to have friends. This level of friendship allows us to share information, learn and help each other with our experiences, and be supportive of honest opinions to foster our growth. Those voluntarily helping hands, listening ears, and loving arms we dream to have– those kinds of friends. That is all I need in life, a good handful of people who I can call good friends, and if I don't have that it's better not to have friends at all.

Don't feel bad if you don't know a friendship like this. It is a bit like a ghost (and true love), everyone talks about it but not many have really seen it. Maybe you're not yet at the age or stage of life where your needs shift from the ego to the inner Self. And don't feel sad or ashamed to eat or go to movies alone, explore the world alone, it's really not that bad. It is much more meaningful and rewarding than hanging out eating overpriced food and wine, and socializing with people you don't even like. This kind of social gathering isn't gonna make you happier or more lovable it may get you thinking that you now have a life, but really, what kind of life that is? I am speaking from a perspective of a serious introvert, if you are an extrovert then you're made to be fueled with social interactions and if that's what your nature is, embrace it.

Do I still need friends at this time of life?

Am I better off alone? Especially now that I'm living a life focusing on the individuation process to embrace my unique self. Separating from the herd seems like an ideal option.

"We need to interact with each other but it is not necessary that these relationships reach anything more than a basic level of connectedness. It is nice to have strong social relationships...but it is not necessary for our survival or even our happiness. Simply put, it is not necessary for humans to have friends." - Dr Denaiel Marson, Why You Don't Need Friends, published on Psychology Today.

Think deeply and honestly about it, I am likely to be happy without friends at this time of life (forty-ish). This is only true to me, and may not be to you or the rest of humanity. I don't have many friends around me nor haven't I made many new friends over the past eight years. It is getting eerily easier to be able to enjoy life in solitude these days, especially with the internet and the latest technology of AI. I'm not saying that this is the optimal way to live a fulfilling life we do what works for us, and the result reflects in ourselves and what we do about who we are.

Now I can explore the world, and learn any subject I want to know about.

I can still connect with my friends and family to check on how things are with them.

I have my husband and a dog who are the two souls I'm so grateful to have an opportunity to connect to and love.

I am surrounded by beautiful nature, open sky, fresh air, and clean water to drink.

I have a nice sunny home that lifts my soul when it's getting dark inside my head. The home is cool in summer and warm in winter, and the roof doesn't leak when it rains.

I have enough to live on, and I'm thankful that I'm not craving for things I can't have (diamonds and supercars, you know those things).

It all comes down to the fact that– I am content with my life, and that is more than enough for me.

So my point to this is...Look around with an open heart and look inside of you. There is a light that shines on an indefinite list of things for you to be grateful for.

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." Friedrich Nietzsche.

This is why I love his work. Nietzsche's work always emphasizes the importance of seeking wisdom in solitude, that's the place you will hear your Self the loudest. I value solitude. It allows us for introspection and the cultivation of our own thoughts and values, enabling us to gain true wisdom and self-understanding. I can say with confidence that 'Know Thyself ' has been one of the all-time magic mantras that had lead me through life, and to being the person I am proud to become today. Solitude is a choice, it means you choose to be alone, and that's not the same as being lonely.

Having no friends will not kill you, the same way as having friends will not guarantee your happiness. For a happy and content existence, do we need to have friends around? Do we need to have fame, luxury food, and fine things to really make us happy? Let's be clear on one thing– nice to have, and necessary to our survival are totally different things. While it can be a valuable and meaningful part of life, it is not essential for happiness or holds the same value as for example, food or shelter. It is up to each individual to determine what makes them happy, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question.

The question though is, when there is nothing positive to be gained from the relationship, would you still keep it? This is a big leap forward especially in the process of individuation which is to 'bury the dead'. It's the time when a person comes unhinged and loses their footing in their secure social and psychological world. Making radical changes, uprooting ourselves, and wandering the world (within us and/or outside of us) looking for something, maybe to find a home to return to. We will say goodbye to a lot of comfortable places even our old selves, but the loss needs to be understood and worked through before we can go on. I talk more about this liminal space here.

The next question after all of this is if you can cut ties with friends, what about other relationships? What about family? It seems possible if we think of it in a spiritual context which is we are just a bunch of souls who have met and interacted in this life at this time, then go on our ways after we leave this life. Considering the Lord Buddha, Siddhartha, who left his wife and son behind in his pursuit of enlightenment which later on saved, and made millions of life better (I am one of them).

Until next time, have yourself a wonderful day.

Recognizing that friends aren't necessary can help us feel better being alone, read more about it here.