I just don't know what to do with myself.
Don't know just what to do with myself.
I'm so used to doing everything with you.
Planning everything for two.
And now that we're through...
This lovely song by Dusty Springfield played in my head when I heard a friend* during our conversation about how she wouldn't know what to do if she had given a month off work to do anything she wanted; by herself.
I was shocked.
I had to ask her again to make sure she was conscious about what she said. "Tell me, honestly, look me in the eye and tell me you really don't know what to do," I asked.
A startled look shot across her face, she said in a low voice. "I guess I could spend a few days with my parents, and maybe take a short trip somewhere, but if it isn't with Rob (her fiance), I wouldn't wanna go."
My eyebrows raised. The second shock hit me.
I don't remember coming across anyone, especially someone who works in such a demanding job that would say no to the time off work (usually they would kill to have the time off, the longer the better). It's not that she doesn't want the time off, but she doesn't want the time off– alone, by herself.
To me, this raised a red flag.
In this Part 2 of the series, I will go over the aspects of self-awareness, what is it, and how to cultivate and practice more of it. And I'll begin with what I mean by 'herself' in the context of the conversation above, but will refer to as 'yourself' from now.
By saying 'yourself' in this case I specifically mean,
Your thoughts, which refer to any mental process or idea that crosses your mind; the emotions, feelings, stories you tell yourself, perceptions, ideas, imagination, memories, visions, etc. all things generated by the brain, and
Your body. This means, the physical aspects of your existence (the only tangible and physical indicator of you still being alive), and the sensations on that body of yours. Things like pain, stressed muscles, tingling feeling, throbbing, pulsing feeling, tenderness, light, heavy, itchy, and so on.
In this context in order to make things less complex, I will refer to the word 'yourself', as the feelings in your head and the feelings on your body.
Let's assume that this friend of mine cannot imagine being on her own without being preoccupied with work or other activities. And even if she can find some activities to engage herself in or a place to go to for a month– that wouldn't be in solitude with her own company.
What does it mean when you say you don't know what to be with, or by yourself?
It means you are disconnecting from your Self.
Yes, there are two Selves in us.
Let's say in Dusty's song above, she doesn't know what to do with herself. So there is one entity– the one who thinks the thought that she doesn't know what to do, and another entity that she refers to as herself. If you've been into the main focus of my work, this concept of Self should be very easy to understand.
Let's pause.
So, whether you realize it or not– you are disconnecting from your soul (or inner Self, or the Source, please choose the word as you see fit in your belief). I see this as an unconscious choice people sometimes make for the reason that they're not aware of the Self within. They're speaking from a perspective of the ego, or the persona. (please read this post if you're not familiar with the idea of ego, persona, and the Self).
In short, the ego is the self you believe, know, or think that you are; the persona is the self under the mask you put up to the world. The Self, or the inner Self is the integrated version of all the aspects of our psyche inside out, our wholeness divine, our Soul.
Let's put this in an even simpler form; disconnecting from your inner Self is equivalent to disconnecting from your heart and your soul– your bliss.
It means you don't follow your heart and don't listen to the whispering of your soul, because the voice of the demanding ego's request is always louder. And it will get even louder when you voluntarily keep yourself spinning in the front loader of a chaotic machine of sixty-hour work week, mindlessly scrolling through social media, trips, dinner parties, compulsive shopping, or comfort eating– this list will not end.
What can we do? Where to start?
By making the unconscious conscious.
Face your inner Self, ask some badass questions, and try to answer them truthfully.
Understanding that, yes, we can be alone sometimes of course, but what about a day by yourself without a phone or any other devices? What about ten days? How about a month?
Try to imagine yourself alone in a seemingly unbearable, prolonged period of time, then feel the anxiety that may arise. Hear the fearful thoughts and feel the unsettling need to leave this predicament, and ask;
What am I avoiding? Am I running away from something? What is that 'thing' anyway?
What is causing me to feel so uncomfortable with my own presence that I need to divert my attention to something else?
What aspects of me that make it so challenging to be alone with my own thoughts? Why do I feel the need to escape my own company to actively avoid solitude?
These are some of the questions that will transcend the meaning of what you know about yourself– but only if you're willing to do the hard work, the deep inner work.
Although the answers you find might not be pleasant.
Pain and fear may arise. They will.
There will be a certain breakdown when you hit the bottom where it's dark and cold as death.
But soon enough with hard work and persistence, there will be a breakthrough.
And you will rise again as a newborn.
This is an internal psychological journey of an individual toward self-discovery, an integration of the various aspects of the self, especially with the unconscious. Unless you make the unconscious conscious, as Jung said, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.
The capacity for flourishing is embedded in us all, waiting to be actualized. It's up to us whether or not we have the courage to face the discomfort of going into the depths of our minds. Do you want to get to know yourself more and see the potential, and the possibility of who you can become? Or keep running.
Self-awareness can begin with a simple question like;
Who am I? What am I feeling now?
Take it from here, and soon you will reach the point where you start to actualize your true Self if you listen closely enough to the whisper of the Soul.
Follow your bliss.
"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are. If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's your path." – Joseph Campbell.
*In case this lovely friend of mine happens to have a chance to read this, please know that I wrote it from a quiet place of love and sincere goodwill.
