The Melting Glacier

I’ve just returned from a three-week vacation — technically, four.

Three weeks of heavenly Switzerland is a dream vacation for most people. Multiple scenic hikes up and down the Alps, morning strolls around the emerald lakes, a few days’ visit to the Italian part (mainly in the rain), and a brief stopover in the divine (but over-tourism) Istanbul.

Then, I returned home to another week of cultural paradise and a food tour of (again, over-tourism) Japan with my sister and nephew, who arrived on the same day as my husband and I did.

A full-blown summer vacation. And I forgot to enjoy it — all of it — Why?

Why did it feel like a tiring, tedious four months, not weeks? Shouldn’t a vacation be gone in the blink of an eye?

Anyone who’s experienced a root canal and remembers the traumatized forty-five minutes spent in the dentist’s chair each of the three or four visits knows something about the relativity of time.

The forty-five minutes on a Thai foot massage chair go by like flashcards, but on the dentist chair, it’s a whole different story (in horror genre).

Before the trip, stress swept me over. I was worried I wouldn’t have time to write and distribute my work to places I planned to do. I was afraid I could lose all the momentum (and some of my 92 followers on Medium) I’d been building up to have a structured day of work-life balance.

As predicted, I lost all the momentum to live ‘ideally’ as planned (engaging in numerous work-related activities).

I also lost some of my (already very few) followers (weep*).

I didn’t write during the four weeks nor fully enjoy the Alps and the time with family. Worst of all, I’ve been back home for a week and still turn up at the desk paralyzed.

My sister left last Monday, and today is another Monday a week after that. I haven’t once been to the gym, sat in the meditation seat, opened Medium to draft something inspiring, or even read one story. My anticipated worst nightmare had become true, and I froze in fear.

“I’ve lost five weeks of my life…!”

I moaned painfully in my head while pulling out my hair, seemingly floating in the perpetual swirl of a wormhole portal to eternity.

But, hey, wait.

I was supposed to be on vacation, and vacation means I’ve made an adult decision to take a break from work. I needed to hit the pause button from all the day-to-day life responsibilities and tasks — guilt-free. I needed to stop worrying, enjoy life, and not obsess with overstuffed task lists and projects to do.

I forgot to relax and allow myself to rest. The simplest things, which are entirely under our control, are always the first things we overlook and disregard completely. When I came back, I froze in fear of writing something uninspiring and lame, and I took an unconscious, easy way out of it: I avoided writing.

I let the anxiety of constantly having to engage in some kind of activity that produces a perfect outcome take hold of me. All of it is for the most ridiculous reason that some of us are familiar with; the feeling of worthlessness.

I feared that if I didn’t produce, my self-worth would plunge into a dead pit and never see sunlight again. I’d mistaken meaningful productivity for manufacturing. No wonder I froze, burnt out, and became idea-paralyzed.

Until this morning, when I read an inspiring story from Neil Hawkesford that hauled me out of the dead pit of despair. After reading it, I realized that not only had I forgotten to enjoy the vacation, but I had also forgotten why I started writing and sharing my stories on Medium in the first place.

I joined Medium because I want to share my authentic voice that narrates my personal stories. Hopefully, these stories will remind, inspire, entertain, or kindle readers’ hopes.

If there is anything I want you to take away from reading this story, it would be these two takeaways.

Always remember why you began on the path

Why did we fall in love with writing in the first place? In whatever you do, remember the reason that inspired you to start. Make it a sacred mantra and hold it close to your heart.

Don’t let perfectionism, imposter syndrome, fear, or any negative thought pattern that is so goddamn outdated and uncool creep up your nerves and hinder your growth. Self-awareness will save you from unnecessary dramas or labeling traps that distort the reality of your view, the world, yourself, and your worth.

Be kind to yourself

No matter where you are or what you do — we are a human of work in progress, not a machine (even machines get their periodic maintenance). As quickly as we think we can judge others, we are even faster and harsher at judging ourselves.

Self-compassion will move you from judgment to joy in doing everything, and defrosting you from the writer’s block glacier.

Thank you for spending time with me today.

And special thanks to Neil Hawkesford, whose work has got me out of a writer’s block rut this time.

Thank you for spending time with me today.